YOU ARE VIEWING GROUP 8 OF THE CLEAN JOKES

Widower Playing Golf

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

Karate Dog

Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.

The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you."  The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.

Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"

The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."

"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.

The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to  a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold  is amazed at this.

The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the  corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.

"I'll take him," he says.

When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little  thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."

"Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!"

Pirate at a Bar

A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed  that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate,

"How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded,

"I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked,

"What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"

"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked,

"I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye? The pirate answered,

"I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked,

"How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate  snapped,

"It was the day after I got me hook!"

Grown Up Talk

 It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class 1 thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got.

 "My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said.

 The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard ........

 "My dad got me a dog," she said.
She sat down and a boy got up and said,
"I got a choo-choo!"

 The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard and said,
"I got an electric train!!"

 That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says,
"I got a book"
The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks,
"What was the title of the book??"

 The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking. Finally, the boys face brightened and he said,

 "Winnie The Sh*t!!

Blondes Finish Jigsaw Puzzle

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

 The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"

 One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"